I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
