i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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