Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
