'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
