I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
