There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
