there's paper in my vomit.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
