i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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