i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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