Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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