He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
