My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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