3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
