So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
