South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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