"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
