You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
