Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
