phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
