I just threw up on my dentist
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
