You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
