I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I don't deserve a penis
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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