I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
