I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
