she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
