it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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