Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
