In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
