i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
