Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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