im having a threesome with these popsicles
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
