Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
