Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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