A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
