I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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