Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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