Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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