Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
