That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
