I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
