I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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