it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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