my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
God I need to hump something, right now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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