we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Randomize
