What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
