i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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