Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
