She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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