Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
