it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
