When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
